Thoughts in the Dark
While I'd like to think that typing away at my computer at 3 in the morning is romantic and makes me moody and mysterious, it is never something I would voluntarily do. I would love to be asleep right now, dreaming of nothing. A deep, still sleep.
But alas I am here, communicating on this inconspicuous blog because of anxiety. The most unfortunate thing about this anxiety is that it has no logical cause or explanation. I have had an uneventful day, which consisted of practicing computer programming, getting tea, going for a walk with mom, and then dinner with my family. Yet after turning out the lights my mind kept buzzing. My heart jumps and my hearing sharpens at any little background noise. I can't help but toss and turn, and my stomach feels empty and crampy. My mouth is dry, as if there are cotton balls in my cheeks. Every time a thought enters my head it jumps out at me, boldly, as if magnified by a pair of spectacles. If I try to breathe in air through my nostrils I do not smell a thing; just feel the air enter sharply. My heartbeat pulses through me so intensely that it vibrates my brain and pounds in my ears. And as I try to come up with some logic, some reasoning, I wrack my brain ever more intensely for an answer; the pattern recurs in a vicious cycle.
Was it the coffee and tea I had today? I don't usually have so much caffeine. But why is my heart beating so hard. Am I going to have a heart attack? My stomach is in such tight knots. Maybe its cancer. I hear something loud. Is it a burglar? A murderer? A crazy homeless man banging on the back door? Or maybe just the water heater. Ouch, my chest. My heart. It must have been the caffeine. Or is a heart attack really encroaching...
I cannot escape from this little fence I've built around myself. The physiological symptoms can only reinforce the thoughts that race through my head. And what's more, I have an almost unnatural obsession with health and my sleep cycle. So this event can only mess with my well-established Circadian rhythm, which will cause me fatigue for at least the next two weeks until I'm back on track. And so in this way the anxiety is just reinforced.
I am sure all of this makes me sound a little bit crazy, but maybe it can help bring some awareness to mental health issues. Many mental health problems are extremely stigmatized in our society. I am personally only minutely affected, but I know that anxiety and depression are rampant. If anything, it is comforting to know that being plagued by these illnesses can unite us by allowing us to relate more personally to one another. Anxiety for me is characterized by its extremely uncomfortable arousal of my sympathetic nervous system, causing all of these unsolicited physical symptoms. This is true for many others with anxiety, but each person can experience anxiety in different ways. Some cannot define triggers while other can. Some have horrid panic attacks, while others only experience minor physical symptoms.
After saying all of this, though, I still hate it and I wish I was sleeping right now. That is all! Thank you for reading, and I hope you are in a pleasant slumber as I press "publish"...
But alas I am here, communicating on this inconspicuous blog because of anxiety. The most unfortunate thing about this anxiety is that it has no logical cause or explanation. I have had an uneventful day, which consisted of practicing computer programming, getting tea, going for a walk with mom, and then dinner with my family. Yet after turning out the lights my mind kept buzzing. My heart jumps and my hearing sharpens at any little background noise. I can't help but toss and turn, and my stomach feels empty and crampy. My mouth is dry, as if there are cotton balls in my cheeks. Every time a thought enters my head it jumps out at me, boldly, as if magnified by a pair of spectacles. If I try to breathe in air through my nostrils I do not smell a thing; just feel the air enter sharply. My heartbeat pulses through me so intensely that it vibrates my brain and pounds in my ears. And as I try to come up with some logic, some reasoning, I wrack my brain ever more intensely for an answer; the pattern recurs in a vicious cycle.
Was it the coffee and tea I had today? I don't usually have so much caffeine. But why is my heart beating so hard. Am I going to have a heart attack? My stomach is in such tight knots. Maybe its cancer. I hear something loud. Is it a burglar? A murderer? A crazy homeless man banging on the back door? Or maybe just the water heater. Ouch, my chest. My heart. It must have been the caffeine. Or is a heart attack really encroaching...
I cannot escape from this little fence I've built around myself. The physiological symptoms can only reinforce the thoughts that race through my head. And what's more, I have an almost unnatural obsession with health and my sleep cycle. So this event can only mess with my well-established Circadian rhythm, which will cause me fatigue for at least the next two weeks until I'm back on track. And so in this way the anxiety is just reinforced.
I am sure all of this makes me sound a little bit crazy, but maybe it can help bring some awareness to mental health issues. Many mental health problems are extremely stigmatized in our society. I am personally only minutely affected, but I know that anxiety and depression are rampant. If anything, it is comforting to know that being plagued by these illnesses can unite us by allowing us to relate more personally to one another. Anxiety for me is characterized by its extremely uncomfortable arousal of my sympathetic nervous system, causing all of these unsolicited physical symptoms. This is true for many others with anxiety, but each person can experience anxiety in different ways. Some cannot define triggers while other can. Some have horrid panic attacks, while others only experience minor physical symptoms.
After saying all of this, though, I still hate it and I wish I was sleeping right now. That is all! Thank you for reading, and I hope you are in a pleasant slumber as I press "publish"...
😘
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